Blurry Thoughts - What I see, What I feel!

All these triggers make me feel goddamn butterflies.
The feeling of impotence, not being able to be what I want with who I want.
Staring at what could be us, but better.
Smiling and then feeling the stab of reality in my back.
Missing someone this hard, remembering what we were sort of building and now it is in stand by or stopped.
You made me realize weaknesses that I never thought I had, and there it is, reality craving these painfull happy memories into my thoughts.
I can't run.
I can't hide.
I can only blur my thoughts.
BUT?
Who am I blurred?
I do not recognize this sort of despicable me, that loses himself into some sort of darkness.
And for that I blame you.
You opened my mind, made me open my horizons, but now in this darkness the hole is bigger and I question everything that I did, I do and think I will do.

I'm not even shure if I care anymore.

I just know that life without you close is not fun at all.

So maybe, but just maybe i still care.

And I cannot find myself to hate or love this feeeling.
And I definetly hate myseft fot that even thoe I managed to find strength through you to improve, or so I thought so, I can't stand this feeling of not having you.
And where do we stand in all of this?

I'm here and you're there and that is it.

I'll keep craving for you, your body and your soul.
I'll stand here waiting, wishing and losing.

These Blurry Thoughts.

CM

Life's a....

Life is a...

So much changes when you move out of your confort zone,
Travel to a new country,
Leave family and friends behind hoping they wont forget you while you're away.
A big chunk of you gets ripped from your chest and life kicks you forward remembering you that you left for a reason, or reasons.
Being a grown up sucks and life keeps pushing you.
Not everything is bad as you learn to love as you miss the simple things that used to bore you and learn that there is life beyond your country and you can succeed with the tools that you've been sharpening all your life.
Use this tools to be someone,
They will go to work with you and help you be great,
They will go home with you and select the kind of people you will live with,
You play with,
The people that you're starting a new life with.
But remember to also use these tools on you,
Shape yourself,
Evolve and adapt,
At the end of the day what matters the most is that you feel like yourself,
That the changes make a better you,
That you feel good with your "improvements"
But what if at the end of the day you don't recognize youself?
You feel lonely, empty and the pleasures that could make you want to go on are just temporary, Because life is a bitch and loves to play games with you,
Even when you don't want to play,
Specialy when you don't want to play.
But get your tools, raise your head and take a deep breath,

Scream " FUCK IT"

And build your way through life.
If it doesn't get better at least you didn't give up and that will last forever!

CM

Drawings of Her. The Art Gallery of Memories.

Drawings of Her. The Art Gallery of Memories.


Everything is set.

You and I in a room.

Some music playing.
Not too loud.
Not too low.

Got a candle burning.
Not only for the sweet scent.
But for the light to dance on the walls.

I lay you beside me.
My eyes are focused.
My lips are sealed.
And my hand journey begins.
Slowly starting on moving your hair to the side.
Making your neck and ear accessible.
And your perfume rises into the air.

Placing my hand on your cheek I start moving my fingers carefully
On all the lines,
Carving all the details on my mind,

Hmm

The softness of your lips.
The brightness of your eyes,
All the little bumps on your birth marks,

Gosh

You feel so beautiful.

You look at me
And you don't need to speak.
I know I'm a weirdo
But I also know that you care for me
And that warms my heart.

I kiss your nose
You smile
And my fingers slowly slide along them
Recording the shape of it.

Around the ears they go
And down the side of the neck.
I can't resist to bite it.
Just a little.

Your clothes won't stay on you for much long
And there are some memories that I'll never share.

I shall forever keep these paitings and sculptures of you in my memories.
Until the day I can touch you again.
And again work on these beautiful master pieces of you next to me.

May time never break us appart.

CM

Life On Standby

Life on stand by...

How many times do I find myself lost in thoughts?

Wandering the endless sea on my mind, questioning everithing and everione.

And when I can't find myself I'm probably drifting away,

Sinking deeper and deeper into this gooey gray matter,

That looks like it was overcooked.

Everything seems so meaningless with low prospectives.

I know I'm working and I'm saving money but it feels so empty.

Startinga new life from scratch is exhausting.

Missing everione and everything I left behind is exhausting.

And I thing that my exhaust is also exhausted, because i feel my life running by so fast,

As if it's getting drained and I just stand by watching and taking notes.

It feels like a parallel universe where getting lost is so easy

And finding my way back nearly impossible.

CM

Fucking Hell and Loyal Roots

Fucking Hell,
I can't rest, I can't close my eyes without feeling that something is missing.
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
Who's coming with me?
Walking in the darkness, not being able to dream, it's just like someone shut off the lights and took my dreams away.
Taking it day by day, seeking refugee in my thoughts.
But where are they?
Can I create new ones?
How real will they be?
How long until they vanish?
There is no way out. Or at least that's how i feel.
Every few steps i fell my self stumble into greater deepness, where there is still no light, but the pressure on my shoulders increases.
How much more weight can i take?
What will give up first?
My legs?
My shoulders?
Or my mind?

It's a cold Hell,
There's no pointy horned beast yelling orders and punishing me for my sins.
I'm left alone with myself and I,
Battling mind games.
Instead of punches we exchange thoughts at incredible speed and strenght.
It wont bruise your flesh but they will scar your soul.
Day by day, slowly going straight on this path that I chose.
I've just started this journey and yet it feels like I'm falling so far from everithing.
I don't know where I'm going.
But going back is not an option.
I shall make this Hell feel like home.
Rise and Rise again,
Be reborn,
Be stronger each time
But never forget who you are or where you come from no matter how dar and heavy it gets.
Even if you can't go back!

Roots

CM

Do you remember? ... I can still remember... (NSFW)

Do you remember that night when music brought us toghether?
Slowly we embraced each other body on the dance floor until we merged as one, not in body but in mind.
I can still remember... Or was it just a dream?

And do you remember when we came home, you were at my side in the car, with your head on my shoulder, mumbling from tiredeness?
I can still feel your grip on my arm.
I can still remember... Or was it just a dream?

And do you remember when we got home?
You were so tired drowsy that I had to help you. I can still feel the look and the smile on your face.
I can still remember... Or was it just a dream?

And do you remember when we reached my bed?
You dropped like a stone, and I had to help you get undressed and into you pijamas. The giggles that you made still ring a bell in my mind.
I can still remember... Or was it just a dream?

And do you remember when i finally laid down beside you?
Slowly i felt your body turn to me, it was dark but i knew how close you were, by the heat emanating from your body and your respiration getting louder. And the our lips touched, slowly moving everywhere, the tongues came out into a wet duel, hiting each other like a gracious dance until they break apart and run all over the body.

Touch the lower lip, gently bite and move to the chin, kissed it, went down the neck then moved to the side and up to the ear, sucked the lobe and then kissed all the back of the ear to the top, moved to the back of the neck, kissing it a few times and then, while firmingly holding you hair out of the way, in one lick went all the way down your spine, now slowly coming up letting my breathing cooldown the wet trail on you back.
I turn you to me, and looking into you eyes my hand moves down your body and firmly grab you ass as i move forward kissing you.

From there I move down the front of your body, between kissing, sucking, biting and breathing on the wet trails, I'm not going to tell you anything else...

I can still remember...
But if you don't, then it might had been just a dream.

I'll just close my eyes, as I want to keep remembering that dark only illuminated by the feeling flaring up every sense of my body!

NSFW.

CM

The Cage - Things with and without meaning!

Antes de mais peço desculpa por escrever em inglês mas às vezes não dá para controlar. E prefiro manter o formato original em que escrevo as coisas em papel :)

I need to get out of the cage,
See the world from a place where my eyes can't see the end of the landscape.
This four walls are choking me
Thoughts keep spinning realy fast,
I can barely keep up.
Looking through the window I get Vertigo and just want to jump to the outer world.
This feeling is agitating, sufocating.
I keep imagining other ways of breathing, flying, living.
I've got so lost that i can't find my way back,
So I have to make a new one.
It's all so awkward, all so new.
It doesn't feel like much, but i have to hold on to what I have and move forward.
Small steps moving out of the cage.
The world isn't going anywhere.
I just hope not to drag this madness with me and everione can see my cage!

CM

From The UK With Love*

Acho que nunca o nome do meu Blog fez tanto sentido!

21 de Março, 2015

Já passou a barreira das 3 semanas e este novo país continua a mostrar-se de alguma difícil digestão.

Criamos o modo de sobrevivência e viver um dia de cada vez, tendo a noção que o que me é querido vai arrancando pouco a pouco pedaços da minha alma e cria uma dor que grita silenciosamente.

Não a oiço mas está lá para ficar.

Sinto-me incompleto, falta-me tanta coisa que vou tentando preencher com o que vai aparecendo.

Estou a crescer, a aprender a viver, criar novas amizades, ambientar-me a outra cultura que na realidade é um "melting pot".

Há necessidade de ter que conhecer coisas novas e ao mesmo tempo não há vontade, porque o que realmente quero não está neste país.

Rir é um bom remédio, mas não se pode ser parvo 24 horas por dia, apesar de tentar.

Juntamos-nos, conversamos, rimos, saímos, bebemos, dançamos, ressacamos juntos. Mas ninguém fala da dor que todos sabemos que lá está. E então preferimos mantê-la afastada e ficar noutras coisas. Mas eu vejo/oiço esta dor que há em mim e nos outros, mas nada posso fazer.

Resta apenas manter a sobrevivência

e viver um dia de cada vez, esperando pelo dia que posso ir a casa, visitar tudo e todos, e recuperar um pouco de mim que se está a perder, para depois voltar e entrar neste ciclo vicioso que é uma necessidade desta vida em que escolhi ser Enfermeiro...

CM